sometimes i find it so hard to make confession,
to admit im wrong and to ask for help.
and this itself, is my deadly weakness.

seeing so many of my frens appeal is successful and yet im faced with yet another rejection letter, i knew i shldnt be bearing any hope. (not as if ive bear much hope in the first place)
i still rmb 2 months back, i casually told sweetie i wan to go overseas study if i cant get into a local uni. if not, i duno what should i do. he assured me tt i wld get a place in the local uni and if i do wan to go overseas, he will miss me alot. if not, i can enrol to his sweetie sch, taking up a baby course and majoring in sa-jiaoing and most prob aceing it.lol!

ytd i brought up the matter to him agn. i told him i wun be happy in ntu, cos i cant get into the course i wanted, and i dun have any frens in this course and i dun even have any close frens gg to ntu. all of them are heading to nus. and i wan to go overseas study. i was feeling so hopeless, and i really want to give up everything here and leave everything behind, and start afresh. This time round, he told me he felt my pain and ask me to apply for a bank loan to study overseas, and he will pay back the bank monthly for me. I duno how much will his ocs pay be, but the tot is already sweet enuff. if tt is the case, i wld have to have a bond with him but come to think of it, the bond issue isnt an issue in the first place. but you know, the overseas study is jus a tot tt will nvr be put into action cos my family would nvr have the money to send me overseas.and even if they have, it wld be a huge burden on them. and i would definitely not accept sweetie's offer(not because of the bond part of cos), but we arent lawfully bonded(haha!), and i dun wan to owe him so much money. i duno when will i finish repaying him and both his and my parents would nvr allow such things to happen too. and i dun think his pay is tt much either. i wouldnt want him to use his whole pay to help me pay. but still, i look thru a few overseas uni webstie and it just make me feel that it's a dream never to come true. seeing my frens gg overseas to study and start afresh, i wish i can have this chance as well. but come to think of it, even if i have the chance, i might not want to go. im so fickle minded.

i gotten my smu rejection letter first and well, it was expected. so i wasnt feeling too sad, there's always nus and ntu.and den when i gotten my ntu acceptance letter and got accepted in the course, i was telling myself i would nvr accept it and there's still hope from nus. and den i waited so long for the nus letter. heard news from my frens that they received it and den i knew my chances are small. and den i received a call from nus, calling me to go for fass interview. at last some news from them.i was really hopeful! and so i went for the interview, after which it was another long period of waiting time. and then one fine day, i check my online status and saw the bad news and receive the letter on the night itself.

and so i was caught in between whether i shld accept the ntu course or reject it and apply for sim. i was so on the verge to reject ntu cos i really cudnt even picture myself doin tt course. and i started reading sim website, discuss with wanyan and cally. but after some advice from sis and peishan, i changed my mind and accepted ntu but i did appeal for both nus and ntu. it was such a tough struggle. so it's another month of waiting.i was still feeling tt i've make the correct choice cos i got excited when i see the various camp brochures coming in and sweetie convince me that as long as i get a gd cert, it doesnt matter what course i take.i shld feel lucky tt at least i got a place in local uni which some may nt even have. i spent some time reading the modules and i really did believe tt all will turn out fine, and i got myself excited abt the camps budden i realised i'll be gg to these camps alone. but ltr, i knew from yuan i can go the camp with kl and ego and so im happy. and den ltr, there is this tot of living in hostel with yuan and her dboaters. so it got me excited agn.but now, i got the nus rejection letter, hostel, tuition grant, tuition loan all not settled and i have to go to lessons alone,it makes uni so unappealing agn. i'm having seconds tot abt hostel too.i really duno what i want now, and if i have make the correct choice but i wouldnt wan to go sim either. i just really wan to make the best out of whatever choice i make., but i am really unsure if i am able to handle the course.even though there's still no appeal news from ntu side, i knew, i wld be better off not hoping for anything at all.

This is the confession i want to make: i feel so lousy, stupid, and useless. i fear of loneliness, changes, and ppl's judgement. i lack the courage very much. i wish i am much braver in so many times of my life. i wish i can leave everything behind. im sorry for being a porcupine, i just wan a space of my own cos i dun tink i deserve ur concern.

was tagegd by sherry, cally and eelen!

Rules of the Taggy Quiz:
A] People who have been tagged must write their answers on their blogs & replace any question that they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.
B] Tag 8 people to do this quiz & those who are tagged cannot refuse. These people must state who they were tagged by & cannot tag the person whom they were tagged by. Continue this game by sending it to other people.

#1. If your lover betrayed you, what will your reaction be?
i would be more disappointed then upset.

#2. If you can have a dream come true, what would it be?
i would like to travel around the world with the one i love.

#3. If you could be at one place right now, where would it be?
living somewhere by the beach.

#4. Are you confused as to what lies ahead of you?
yup. like i say in my earlier post, getting into a course which i am very disadvantaged in, i duno if i have make the correct choice/if this is what i wanted and if i can emerge triumph after the end of it.

#5. What's your ideal lover like?
Gentleman, charming, humourous, sweet,outgoing, atheletic, trustworthy and reliable, can give me sense of security,romantic and LOVE ME(:

#6. Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?
neither of it is a bless cos love is a two way thing.
only to be able to love someone who loves you back is a true blessing(:

#7. How long do you intend to wait for someone you really love?
if he's worth the wait, i wun mind. but i wuldnt wan to wait for tt long either.

#8. If the person you secretly like is already attached, what would you do?
i wouldnt fall for a guy tt is alr attached cos i wldnt like anyone to fall for sweetie too!

#9. Is there anything that has made you unhappy these days?
yes. cannot get into the course i wanted. couldnt buy the clothes i want. couldnt meet up with sweetie are just some of the examples.haha!

#10. What do you want most in life?
satisfaction and happiness. and being able to enjoy doing the things i like and live my life with no regrets!

#11. Is being tagged fun?
okay bah but it has been ages since i did one.

#12. How do you see yourself in ten years time?
i wouldnt know what will happened ten yrs later but i would like to be one who enjoys what im doing, travelling ard the world, be more appreicative of the things i have and settle down with my love(:

#13. Who is the current most important person to you?
my family.they are the ones whom i can always count on. regardless of the numerous times i've quarrelled with them, they are still the ones who love and support me unconditionally.
sweetie. he is just a really very special guy that came into my life.He colours my life.
friends. they are the ones whom i spent most of my school life with. the numerous times we stayed back in sch to study,hang out tgth, played touch tgth are all so precious to me.

#14. What type of person do you think the person who tagged you is?
sherry is a person who wun give up easily
cally is a people's person. She has loads of friends and she treasures them alot.
eelen is one who dares to stand up for what she thinks is right

#15. Would you rather be single & rich or married but poor?
i wouldnt wan to marry a poor guy. haha! he got to have at least a stable income.

#16. If you could have any animal for a pet, what would it be ?
can i have a white charming horse? i wouldnt mind a dog either but im haiving second tots cos those dogs at my workplace are damn scary.

#17. What are one of those things which you would prefer not to do?
hope and then get disappointed.

#18. What kind of person do you think you are?
im a person whom you wouldnt wan to mess with! haha!

#19. What do you define as a bad day?
a day tt i miss my train/bus, have loads of work to do, no money to buy the things i wan and no contact with sweetie at all!

#20. If you have to choose between love and friendship, what would it be?
that has to depend on who is the lover and who is the fren!

wanyan, huey, yuanting, xuewei, sis, shan, yanyi and anyone else

13 June 2008
date with sweetie(:

took off from my work and headed down to downtown east with him
wanted to look at the new shopping/entertainment centre there, but it turned out to be not realllyyy that impressive.

had our lunch at Ti Amo.














i had this 1 for 1 fish and chips coupon and it was really a gd deal!
the fish and chips is nice and in suitable portions!














sweetie!



















the restaurant is like a small pub. selling alcoholic drinks and when we went in that time, the whole place is empty.there's a pool table and a soccer table or whatever u call it, like this!
















i love it when he knows exactly what i want to eat w/o asking me(:

back to 12 june 2008.thursday
Cally's birthday(:

these two weeks had been very happening (:
omg, im so so lagging behind in my blogging.
sweetie's just got booked in dis morning.
he got into ocs and so he's into three weeks of confinement(again).
and im so superduper free these 3 weeks. DATE ME PLEASE! (: haha!~

back to 11 june 2008. wednesday.
MY BESTEST DADDY'S BIRTHDAY! (:
and sweetie's first day of leave

we seldom celebrate my parents' bday cos you noe, youngsters are a bunch of self-absorbed people who only care abt themselves. (ok,my bad) we assumed they have already grown out of bday celebrations but it's always heartening to noe tt there are ppl who remember ur bday and took the time and effort to celebrate with you.so this yr, we decide to make it a little special cos both me and my sis are working which means we have money. so my family+sweetie celebrated his bday at sakura buffet restaurant and i feel that it wasnt really abt the bday. we're just using it as a reason for a family get together and i like this kind of feeling. can we have more of these please?~ haha!

10 JUNE 2008...

was sweetie's POP!
headed down to tekong with his parents, aunt and cousin.
(don't ask me why the five of us can go in with only 4 tixs. that's another story)
because i have to work half day, we reached there quite late
his mum, dad and me sat at the second row in the VIP area, right behind the MP while his aunt and cousin sat at the non-VIP area.
(i hope i dun appear in any of the shots!)
abt half an hr later, the 7 coys started marching in

this is their parade commander for that day
the coy behind is sweetie's coy!- VIPER
































sweetie got the company best so he get to go up the stage and take the award!


































soon, part one of the parade ended with them marching across the audience seats whereby everyone got out of the seats, trying the get a snapshot of their sons.
after a short while, they came back marching in, shouting some cheer
followed by a ceremony whereby parents put the jockey caps on for their sons
the whole parade ended with their bmtc cheer. they ran towards the audiene seats like this















sweetie was in front, leading the whole company (:






































































































and so he has graduated from BMTC school 2!

WHAT IS THE GOD DARN PROBLEM WITH ME?

i am now the vicious big bad wolf

i miss those swweeettt hk days
i miss those carefree days where nothing else matter

i nid my LOVE

the worst quarrels always happen at home.
WHERE IS THE LOVE?

the worst disappointments always come from our loved ones.
WHERE IS THE LOVE?

the deepest scars are always left behind by our loved ones.
WHERE IS THE LOVE?

the most hurtful silence always happen at home.
WHERE IS THE LOVE?

The journey ahead is long, and tedious.
I must be strong and stay strong, even if im trudging down this road alone
life has no rehearsals
i shall make no mistakes twice.

if there is one thing i cud ask for, all i want is courage

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

just went cycling ard the yard.
all the way from proj office to the management canteen and back to proj office just for a packet of fried kway tiao
ppl were all looking at us cos usually only those tt wear overalls cycle.
office ppl drive.haha!
but i love cycling ard the yard (:
a break from the mundane paperwork. i nid tt fresh air.
been working 7 days straight and im terribly exhausted.
but im gg KL 2 weeks later. (i cant wait!!!) and money is never enough.
ive been looking at books, website on KL and sis has been planning the itinerary.
i hope the trip will be great!
workload has been so much lighter with the addition of the 2 new undergrads.
(tt explains my frequent entries recently)
but time seem to crraawwll at work.
and i hate it.

went to pasir ris and fetch sweetie home ytd
he was late and so i shopped at white sands.
cabbed back because he has to bring almost all of his barang barang back from tekong since his POP is this coming tue
and he cooked maggi mee for me cos im hungry! (:
i love homey guy who cooks(though it's only maggi mee)
headed down to causway pt and had our dinner at cavana and KFC(my sweetie has such big appetite.no wonder i keep gaining weight.i just cant sit there and watch him eat)

pictures!

cant wait for his POP on tuesday! (:will be going down with his parents and cousin.i bet he would be very nervous tt day cos he'll be leading and commanding his company and all other 6 company best. i'll take loads of fotos of his proudest moments in life.life wld be harder for us cos he'll surely go OCS, and have longer confinement period.but this is what he has been wanting, and i will be happy for him (: we have different goals and targets and our love shouldnt get into our way of achieving them. i want the best for him and i want him to enjoy doing what he likes.but sometimes i find it hard to be supportive cos a selfish part of me want him to spend more time with me.and OCS and spending more time with me just doesnt click.

wed night was spent with my colleagues.had dinner at a Indian restaurant by the waterfront at boat quay.see these are some of the ang mohs im working with!

next week will be an evenful week.sweetie's POP on tues (ok, i know,this is the third time im mentioning this in this post),daddy's bday on wed and cally's bday on thurs!(:

received a piece of good news in the morning from sweetie (:
he has been giving me good news recently.
last week it was early book out cos he got gold for IPPT,
but this time it was even better (:(:
he got the company best( no surprise! cos i knew he'll get it right from the start. but still, i knew it wasnt easy for him.im superduper proud of him!)
and so he'll have more tixs for his POP and we'll be sitting in the VIP area.
did i tell u how superb my boy is?
well, he is just tt superb (:(:

Thank you for sharing with me
Thank you for holding my hands and leading me out of the darkness.
Thank you for showing me you guys care.
Thank you for showing me the light.

with much loves to:
1)my sweetest yummylicious boyf (though he kept procrastinating abt my appeal)
we were both unsure what's the best decision. (or is there really a best choice in the first place?)
and i know i must have been very irritating cos he has been just as clueless as me about the future and yet i kept pestering him abt what shld i do.
because he doesnt know what advice to give, and hence sometimes i felt that he doesnt care. or doesnt care enough.
i noe i shldnt be feeling this way,
but this decision is like my whole world right at this moment.
and his views matter alot to me. (i nid every advice i can get)
but in any case, he has been very patient with me. smoothing my anxieties and worries.

to side track abit, i've been feeling rather insecured about my life
cos i cudnt get into the course i wanted. and coming terms to the application outcome is hard.it was a tough struggle. i convince myself tt i will learn to love it and master it and i will give my best shot this time.but i've lost the confidence. i duno if i cud emerge triumph at the end of it and so everything looks so bleak. i feel like im left on my own, to defend for myself and as if everyone has given up on me. and i din even feel protected and safe under sweetie's shelter of love. everything is just so unpredictable.

2)my beloved sis, though she only gave me her serious advices and treat the issue seriously on the very last day
she wanted me to make me own choice, because this is my life. and i shld do what i want.
and she knew i am an easily influenced person, so she kept her views till the last min
but like i say, i need all the advices i can get.
though sometimes i feel tt her advices are biased and discriminating and not supportive,
but i cant deny the fact tt this world is very discriminating.
i know she still wants the best for me. (:

3) my very helpful cousin. i approached her regarding whether i shld accept the course. and being a student of the course herself, she's the best person to answer my queries. and talking to her makes me have a clearer view and tt totally change my whole mind. did i say im easily influenced? haha! she'll be my role model. making the best out of whatever we're given! (:

4) my parents. I know they are very disappointed in me. and sometimes he said stuff tt are hurtful or pissed me off because i wasnt feeling gd myself and i do not need him to rub salt on my wounds. But i have nobody to blame. and im in no position to throw my temper. i just have to keep to myself and seek comfort/console from my boy. but i know they care alot for me, hence explaining their disappointments. and my mum has been very worried for me, nagging me to submit my application and appeal and stuff. but you know, the more they care, the worse i feel.

5) my manager who dote on me! he's a very nice manager and he even went to all the uni website and see the courses for me. and explain to me the prospects, the good and the bad.
he's the first person who treat my worries seriously and try to enlighten me. i find it so easy to confide in him and he has been very non judgemental. and he was the first one to let me see the light.

the first step is always hard. and making the first step alone only makes it harder.
but this is a junction i must cross.
ive come to terms to the outcome. it was hard and it will only get tougher.

today is one of the very rare cases that i stayed out late after my work.